1.81 Awry

Paolo stumbled up the staircase in the hazy darkness, his balance off kilter, but at least his emotions were held at bay, numbed from the drinks he had at the bar. After a few he had lost count, but it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter at the moment.

He groaned as he reached the top step and pulled himself straight. He took notice that the lampshade was lit on the far side of the bedroom, Gwen sitting there, her head tilted to the side, her eyes narrowed in that judgmental glare she always gave him – one that he came to hate more and more.

“Drunk… Again?” She said sternly, yet unable to hide how disappointed she was at the same time. The way she said it came off a little harsh, but it had been a long day for her as well and this wasn’t the first time this had occurred.

Paolo rolled his eyes exaggeratedly with an annoyed growl uttering from his throat. “Can you stop harping on me already?” He pressed his fingertips against the temple of his forehead, it already starting to ache from her voice. “I am not feeling well right now. Can we just…?” He cut himself off and motioned towards the bed that she sat on defensively.

However, the look from her expression showed that it wasn’t an option. Not yet, at least. She wasn’t finished with him yet.

“Go to bed?” She finished, her tone took a more sarcastic tone that was intended to dig a little. Gwen hated these fights as much as he did, but there came a time where enough was enough. The small talk in passing of the increased drinking, late nights and an overall neglect that he had kids at home that missed him… It didn’t seem to faze him, but now… it had reached a head and she was ready to nip it… or at least show him how serious she was about all of this. “Right. So staying out all day warrants you to do whatever the hell you want to do, and you think you can just waltz in here like you always do and expect me to not give a damn?”

He let out a small chuckle under his breath as he tried to dismiss her concerns, his face long and weary. “Look… Can’t we talk about this later?”

“Later? Like your regular crash and dash? If I haven’t learned any better, you’d be out of bed and the house by the time that day breaks. No… we are having this conversation now.”

“Gwen…”

“You have to stop, Paolo.”

“Stop what?”

“The searching, the late nights, the drinking… I’ve said it multiple times and I think it’s about time that you are serious about it, too.”

“I am serious, babe.” He took a step towards her trying to diffuse her rising temper that was simmering beneath the surface.

“Stop!” She said abruptly, her eyes falling from his gaze. “Don’t come any closer. I’m serious… I just want answers… So tell me. Why don’t you stop it all… Stay home tomorrow and spend the weekend with the kids. Calliope is upset as it is that you didn’t make it to her science fair exhibit today… I think you need to make it up to her.”

Paolo rubbed his neck, unsure of it was the right time to be coming clean and honest. “I’ve just been busy… You know… Work and all…”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

“What?”

Gwen inhaled slowly, her breath shaking as she held back years of festering emotions that were about ready to spill over in a fit of rage and tears. “When has it been that you thought that you could lie right to my face?… I called your coach today.”

“Yeah?” He said weakly, his frustrations growing from being called out. He hated being put on the spot like this. It was one thing to beat himself up in his head about everything, but now that it was coming from his wife.

“Yeah. And can you guess what he told me?” Silence. “You’ve been off the team for weeks, months even. So all the times you said you were out to train or for a game and…” Gwen’s hands shook in front of her as she tried to regain her thoughts. “What? You’ve been out drinking… Just tell me this…” Every fiber in her being couldn’t stop thinking about if he was seeing someone else. It would explain why their relationship had been thrown in the wayside and his aloof behavior. She stood up from the bed standing awkwardly before him. They weren’t that far apart, but she’s never felt so distant. “Are you seeing anyone else?”

His face twisted in disgust. “Seriously? You think that little of me right now?”

“What else am I supposed to think? You don’t talk to me! You are gone all of the daylight hours and the saddest part is… the girls still ask about you. Every single damn day! I’m done trying to make excuses for you. You can answer your own girls, because I’m getting tired of… the lies. Your lies and my lies.”

Paolo’s eyes furrowed under his deep eyebrows as he took a step towards her. “You think this is so damn easy for me! It’s not!” He restrained his voice from yelling at her. “Do you know why I drink? It’s because I can’t stand to look at my life anymore. I couldn’t keep focused for work, so the coach booted me off the team. I couldn’t protect my own daughter, and she’s been kidnapped, dead for all we know! I can’t stand being home because I have you who won’t stop nagging me and two girls I know I have let down.”

“So you’re checking out, hmm?”

He shrugged his shoulders in a loss of what to say.

“What about me, then? What about me when you leave all day without a word? Hmm? When Kestrel disappeared the whole world fell on my shoulders! And you just… ran away. I’m the one that has lost everything. I lost my child AND my career! Every morning I’m supposed to get out of bed and put on a happy face for the children we DO have! I clean up after them, feed them, take them to and from school, help them with all of their extracurricular activities… Oh, but let’s not forget that I’m also covering for their dead-beat dad who can’t even be there for the simple things!”

“You, bitch!”

Slap.

The hit rang and seemed to linger in the room, the silence exaggerated between the two of them- Paolo stunned and Gwen stepping away from him in shock what she had just done. She cleared her throat awkwardly before taking her first words.

“I think it maybe best if you go.”

Everything began to register and he pulled himself from the shock of her hit, the skin still burning.

“Go where?”

She didn’t answer, but walked away, her hands in tense fists at her sides. She knew when the fight was over, and to be honest, it should have ended sooner before letting her anger take control of her. She had crossed the line and needed to step away to regain her composure. Before she turned the corner in the room she looked once more into the eyes of her husband, a man that felt no more foreign than a stranger. “You tell me… Goodbye, Paolo.”

She walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind her, the click of the mechanics a signal for her to drop the strong facade she wore, her hands beginning to shake at what had happened… Never did she think she would ever hurt him. Sure, he made her sorts of frustrated and angry… But the love she had for him never truly left. If only it had, then she wouldn’t feel as weak and helpless to want to help him or hope that things would eventually work out. But it was all hopeful thinking. If she really didn’t feel anything towards him, saying goodbye would be easy.

Gwen leaned against the door, her body shivering from the adrenaline that flowed in her veins. There was nothing that could calm her at this point as tears squeezed out at the corners of her eyes and down her rosy cheeks.

“Gwen!” Paolo pounded on the door with his fist. “Come out. This isn’t over!”

“Yes… It is.” She managed to say in a strong voice to hide the sadness that overwhelmed her.

“You can’t kick me out of my own house!” The pounds came faster and harder against the door, all that she could feel against her back. “Gwen!… It’s not over! You hear me?!”

She listened to his angry cursing and he paced in the room until he receded down the stairs. Minutes later she heard the front door slam in a finale that shattered from the sheer force of his anger. That didn’t go as she expected. What she had hoped would be a stern conversation that would help him understand that it hasn’t been easy for her either… That it could have given him the desire to try harder… It all blew up in her face.

Was this really goodbye? All these years… And it being over just like that? Was it possible for her to forgive him, let alone him forgive her?

Space. They needed space, if anything… And maybe a night to sleep on things.

She slid down the door, her legs failing her slowly as she cried heavy sobs into her hands. Was there no way to fix things now? Were they just far gone to fix? Had time and pain taken them on two separate paths?

She held nothing back as she relived her pain through her agonizing sobs behind the bathroom door. Finally, through time, her tears ceased and she was able to let go of a lot her frustrations… A weight of a ton of bricks off of her shoulder.

Slowly she exited the bathroom, her bare feet pattering on the hardwood floors as she entered her room. Sure, it looked the same as it did before, but now there was a large emptiness in it she had never experienced before.

For once she felt truly alone and on her own. And as much as she thought she could take on the world and all the mess it threw her way, she was scared.